Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about

what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

 

________________________________

Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6,

how much would your father still have?

Ted : $10.

Teacher : You don't know maths.

Ted : You don't know my father!

Fore!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .. . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Lottery Win

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A man rushes into his house & yells to his wife," Janet! Pack up your things! I just won the Toto 10Million lottery!"

Janet replies, "Shall i pack for warm weather or cold weather?"

The man respondds, " I dont care. Just as long as you are out of the house by noon!"


Condom Size Tester

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

The Priest and the Thief

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Thief went to the Church to confess to the Priest.

Thief: Father, I've stolen a pig.

Priest: That's very bad.

Thief: Can I give it to you?

Priest: Certainly not.

Thief: Then what should I do with it?

Priest: Return it to the owner.

Thief: I've tried, but the owner doesn't want it back.

Priest: Then you can keep it.

Thief: Thank You, Father.

Later the Priest went home and found that someone had stolen his pig.

---

Mother : David, come here.

David : Yes, mum?

Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so

I am scolding you now.

_______________________________

Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father : So?

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'


The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar.'

Emit your one not funny... change!.. hehe

能忍住不笑算你厉害!

一户潘姓人家，长辈过世。
家祭时，请来了一位乡音很重的老先生来当司仪。
讣闻是这么写的：
　　　孝　男：潘根科
　　　孝　媳：池氏
　　　孝孙女：潘良慈
　　　孝　孙：潘道时
但这位老先生老眼昏花又发音不标准。
当他照著讣闻唱名时，凡是字面上有三点水的或左边部首都漏掉没看到。
于是就给他念成这样子：「孝男，翻……跟……斗……」
孝男一听，直觉得很奇怪，但又不敢问，于是就翻了一个跟斗。
接著又说：「孝媳，也……是……」
孝媳一听：「我也要翻啊？」于是孝媳也翻了一个跟斗。
再来：「孝孙女，翻两次。」
孝孙女一听，想想爸妈都翻了，我也翻吧！于是就翻了两个跟斗。
此时孝孙心想：「老爸、老妈都各翻一次，姐姐也翻两次，那么我要翻几 次？」心里想著想著就开始紧张了：「怎么办？」
只见老先生扯开喉咙，大声念出：
「孝孙……翻……到……死」

This one just for laughs only har? don't take it personnally. hehe

How to make a woman happy.... the point system 

 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

 

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do  something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

 

You don't get any  points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that's the  way the game is  played.

 

Here is a guide to the point system:

 

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make  the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow(0)
You  throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her  what she  wants (+5) In the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)

 

You check out a  suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is  nothing(0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You  pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

 

SOCIAL  ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side  for a while, then leave to chat with a
college  buddy(-2)
Named Tina  (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)

 

HER  BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and  it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And  it's all-you-can-eat night(-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat  night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team  (-10)

 

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a  movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to  a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was  a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a  noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to  get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter,  you have one too." (-8000)

 

ENJOY THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I  look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response  (-20)

 

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a  problem , you  listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You  listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

haha.....

weicyan.. this one classic man!!... I already mail to many of my colleagues (Males)

Can also send to females friends and colleagues mah... heehe..heee...

eh.. no OT here hor.. supposed to share the jokes here lei. .not discuss about send jokes to who...

LOL haha

Weicyan... You should change to 2 jokes of the day ... 1 too little

Weicyan.. good one.. where you get all these?

over the years ithe emails i recieved lol
i kept a jokes folder in my emails so i store them there haha

Some are from my other forums ppl contributed lol

Good ... maybe you should put 2 jokes a day